Re-directed

After discussing some of the previous issues I had talked about I came to the realization that(with the help and point of view from my mother) opinions are necessary. Also, depending on what age you are, what twists and turns your personal life has taken, then you will have differences of opinions about people, places, and happenings. Really it is what makes our beautiful world go round. Being individual is essential.

Sense?

Everyone has views on the right way to live your life, the correct way to spend your money. People want to make sense out of everything. Is it OK to let something happen and just, well, let it happen? Why do we as a society try to answer everyone else's questions? Isn't one of the biggest lessons the Bible has taught us is if we are without sin, cast the first stone? Before we go pointing out flaws in other people, get that big ole' PLANK out of our own eye! It is much easier said than done when it comes to judgement or meddling in other peoples issues. The least we can do is try and try hard.

This topic comes to my mind because Ben and I went to see 'Into the Wild'. The true story of Chris McCandless who sold and got rid of everything he owned to rediscover life. He set out on an epic journey for freedom which unfortunately cost him his life. He is a modern day hero in my opinion. All he wanted was freedom from normalcy. Essentially he didn't want the typical life after graduating from college. I looked to his point of view to fuel my own ambitious adventures. What upsets me is critics. Even in death human beings will critique the hell out of someones life until no longer is a person remembered for being kind, giving, or funny. After seeing the movie I did some research to find some of the books cited in the film and discovered article after article stating that Chris McCandless was a lost human being or an idiot for not having a map in Alaska.

Great, I am even doing it now, critiquing. No, I hope to be praising this mans willingness to be uncomfortable and to experience life anew.

I read the book in 2004 right after I met my future husband. He actually handed me the book to read and said here is something you might enjoy. I enjoyed the book so much that it apparently solidified emotion within me that tonight welled up in the form of a big lump of tears right in my throat. It was stuck there towards the end of that movie and it took some strength to hold the mother load back. I recall my emotion being drawn from numerous subjects.

Such as, last weekend on the Ten Taypo trail in a redwood grove I dangled my fingertips along the edges of giant ferns. Last Sunday I helped a woolly worm get across the street so he wouldn't get run over. I surfed in a Pacific Northwest rainstorm that shielded my eyes from everything past two feet in front of me. I said goodbye to my Grandfather for the last time at my wedding two summers ago. My husband brought me a sunflower and Gerber daisy just because he appreciates me. My Mom, Dad, and brother are far away at the other end of our big country.
My life is filled with countless, miraculous emotions. Sometimes it is hard to fathom the magnitude of it all. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have stared out into an actual wall of rain falling on the desert before me. This is what I have chosen for my life. I struggle with accepting right now for what it is.

I shan't try to make sense of it all. Embrace choices.

Recognizing Your Gifts

Gifts. Romans 12:3,6-8 "For by the grace given me, I say to everyone of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you... We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."

CAMEL ROCK 11/4/07

Surfing. I would be lying if I said I was good or if I said I had no reservations when it came to the ocean. I have discovered many things about myself while I have lived in California. I wouldn't necessarily say Ben and I came here to "find"ourselves. I don't think we came because California is the place where dreams are made. We came here as individual people out for an adventure. We came here to leave our normal Indiana life.

One thing I found attractive in my husband was his excitement to travel and his willingness to be uncomfortable in a new situation. We knew we could learn from stepping out of our mid western bubble. 1 1/2 years later I am quite certain that bubble does not exist around us anymore. On a personal level, my comfort bubble burst somewhere between 110 degree heat, 600 feet up in Zion National Park or while I smacked myself silly due to swarms of mosquitoes in the middle of Glacier National Park. After experiences like that I became certain that I could hold my own in most outdoor situations. That is until recently I came to the conclusion that I have some serious qualms within myself regarding the Pacific Ocean. Since living on the "North Coast" I could probably only count on 2 hands the amount of times I have had actual fun in the water. It is a daunting ocean up here! One that is littered with other surfers on good days and one that is a host to many hidden rocks, kelp beads, and worst of all sharks.

Yet, after 3 years of being able to surf, I still manage to beat myself up over the battle within me, to surf or not to surf? I have reached a plateau in my talent, or "gift" shall I say. I am not sure it is even an actual gift yet. I know I have the gift of balance. I have the gifts of drive and determination. I also have the "gift" of being stubborn.

Last weekend there was a fierce battle inside of my head whether or not to go out into the ocean with Ben. There was no doubt in his mind but I just felt to awkward or to nervous to go out. I actually have yet to pinpoint my reason for holding off. The first day we were up north, I said to myself, "oh, definitely not. I don't think I should today". And while Ben suited up and ran to the water, I placed my blanket neatly on the sand with my nalgene of water, a book, and a sweatshirt. I didn't read that afternoon. Instead I watched as all the other surfers played around in the water and as all the beach goers were content playing frisbee. I was not content. I was seriously pissed off! I couldn't stand the idea of myself giving up. All of the sudden I am realizing that I have lost my passion for all of the things that I love. I haven't sang in over a year. I haven't danced in a very long time! I haven't even played my guitar in probably over 2 years. This was eating me up inside. How is it that I am in such a beautiful part of the world but have lost my desire to do the things that I love? Ben came running out of the water to double check with me that I was sure I didn't want to get in. By that time I was in the middle of a fight with myself. I looked at him and a tear came streaming down my face. What was wrong with me? I wanted to scream. This is not me! This is not who I am! I do things for myself. I go for things. I can do what you do. Maybe I was too prideful? I know I can't just get in the water and expect to be as good as some of the other weathered surfers. It is a fact. Practice, determination, taking chances, and most of all believing in myself, would help me overcome this bump in the road. The next day we drove to the beach with every intention of good surf and a fun time. We arrived and as I peered over the edge of the cliff and down at the water, 40 little black suits with people in them met my eye. I immediately retreated into my shell. "No, no way can I do this." I said to myself and maybe out loud to Ben. Because he grabbed my hand and told me that I can. He believed in me.

Eventually, with the help of my confident husband, I found myself in my tight neoprene wetsuit with board in hand heading out to the water where I in fact can do that. Hopefully these little victories will rekindle my other passions. If you do not use your gifts, what then are they inside of us for? They are blessings.